Since my husband died almost 4 years ago, I continue to learn how a daily meditation practice can help me in the grief garden of weeds and seeds.
The widows’ life can unfortunately only be experienced. I’ve had friends tell me to write a book about it. There are so many books. In the first six months, I read 10 or 12 books on the topic of a widow’s grief, unexpected death, sudden death. Some were helpful, others not so much. Yet the truth is, most of us experience this life one day.
Early after Marty died, my sobbing would move me to anger. I found myself wanting to disengage from the reality: he died. I would play things repeatedly in my mind, wishing and hoping there was another ending for Marty. Another one for me. Early on, when our spouse dies, some of us might try to concoct another ending, a happy ending.
My mind is often overactive with thoughts of the last moments of my husband’s life. Then those can run on to my mom’s death two weeks later and circle back to my dad dying nine months before my husband.
I rely on a few apps to help me with a guided meditation to keep my mind from lingering in the weeds and grow more of the seeds in my life now.
Unbelievably this past weekend, I discovered a guided meditation on Insight Timer that pulled this entire idea of weeds among the grains together for me.
Maybe you have weeds similar to mine on this widow journey?
My husband was everything to me, and I can take just one happy memory of love I remember and miss it until the ache surfaces and then, I cry. It then becomes a weed.
But I have free will and can choose to focus on a seed. He was always meeting someone who became a new friend. That’s the seed he planted in me to keep moving forward. To be content with meeting new people and know me and some of them will become friends.
But then there are those weeds of regret that I took things for granted. I never thought I would be alone in the quiet almost every night. One of my friends said she felt her house was a tomb. For me, that translated to mainly a place so quiet it was deafening.
Then, there was unexpected help from outside of me.
However, even though it didn’t work out for us, the first man I dated asked me something I had not thought I was doing. “If I come to your house, am I going to see a monument to this man?” He wasn’t too sensitive of a guy and likely could have asked it more gently. Still, I began to think.
Was I headed in the direction of putting so many Marty pictures around me; my house was becoming a monument?
I then “weeded” what I wanted to be more “seeding,” the best memories we experienced together, and those photos were already in place. With those photos and hundreds of videos I have, I will fondly remember Marty holding me, traveling with me, kissing me, lying next to me. Those memories come from my heart and sprout up in my head.
Staying stuck in missing all that isn’t what he would have wanted for me.
I know that because he once asked me, “If I die before you, do you think you’ll marry again?” What a question over the second cup of coffee one morning!
Before I answered, I thought about it for a few seconds. “Heck no! We’ve been married 45 years, and I may not have that much more here on earth either. I’d likely date again, though.”
“Yeah, sure,” chuckled. “no doubt a pool guy.”
I teased him back with a quip,” “Well, you’re more confident about that than I am, so maybe I will!”
That conversation one of my funniest memories of who my man was, and now it’s kind of seed for dating. And my husband planted it! But alas, I haven’t yet found this pool guy. Yet.
We likely know the weeds will continually be growing alongside those seeds, so why not focus on the seeds?
What I wonderful image of weeds and seeds. Yes I have plucked some weeds, and like you although I do not have a monument I have pictures of happy times that I encounter everyday. The pool guy will have to accept that. The seeds are the wonderful new experiences and friendships that I have planted and that are developing more slowly than usual given the virus. Thank you Patricia for all of your shared thoughts that trigger these wonderful meditations.
Lois, that COVID, it’s a weed in our garden. And the kind that wants to hang around! I have to pull those darn weeds every day. I think I need a new kind of seed too. Even with those weeds, the seeds are the ones creating the whole garden which will bloom for sure. I hope there is a patience seed in there for me! Thanks so much for your adding to the conversation!
Good luck on your quest. I truly hope you find a compatible person to fill your heart with the joy of having a companion that makes you feel loved and at peace.
We are both fortunate to have married well and I guess you cant replace perfection easily but sometimes, when you least expect it, Miracles DO happen! God Speed Patricia!
Thanks David. My sister-in-law sometimes reminds me, there is no one like Marty. Well geez I hope not! As you say, it’s that companionship – love and be loved. Not the replacement.
Let’s all look for those miracles that God has waiting for us. And in the meantime, let the weeds grow among the seeds so the whole garden can grow. Thank so much for your comment!
I read with sincere interest about your thoughts on “weeds and seeds”. What came to mind were the common thoughts between a widow and, if you will, a widower. Sorrow and anger go hand in hand, especially, in my case, when you get robbed of a future planned, by Alzheimer’s. Seeing your loved one look at you, know you and doesn’t know your name is heart breaking. When you know both of you know the love that kept you together for just shy of fifty-four years and remember the times of struggle that are were far outweighed by happyiness, adventure, silliness and laughing together. I remain very bitter over this disease and thus have directed my anger as a Member of the Alzheimer’s Impact Movement (AIM) to apply my efforts in pressing our Legislators to support research for a cure and stay abreast of new and hopefully exciting research accomplishments including support for those Caregivers and Caretakers. I pray that one day no one ever must be robbed of their Senior Adventures and the hearty laugh. So, in closing the seeds, in my life, have been planted and the “Raising of the White Flower” will mean we have found a cure! Till then, we pray, believe and venture one day at a time.
Barry, I am so sorry again. It’s encouraging to know you have planted seeds of support for a cause to help so many people. I think widow and widower alike who lived so much of their life with their partner share so many things in common. Sometimes I am still angry and just let that feeling out however it manifests. I do thank God every day for giving me such a blessing in Marty! Now I do my best to live one day at a time. Thank you so much for your comment, Barry.