Are you allowing yourself to open up to let God work his plan in your widows season?
Identifying a topic for the upcoming week’s savvy senior widows blog can be challenging. Unintentionally, I was blocking hearing from God. Actually, even praying became blocked in preparing to write this week’s blog post. Was I really ready to let God work His plan in this?
Then, I began to talk with myself, which I do much more since my husband died 3 1/2 years ago. I actually have entire conversations with myself. Do you ever do that?
My internal dialogue with and without coffee went like this:
- Should I skip to tell my most hilarious dating stories after widowhood? You might find you’re laughing so much your belly hurts.
- Do I reveal more pain, so my kind readers know I, too, continually feel the torture of this season of life?
- Or maybe go with more practical ideas, which so often help me in this season of grief?
I pray about almost everything because when I allow God his plan it’s better.
God, help my family in any of what they need.
Dear God, can you help me with missing my husband every day?
And an often used prayer is to St Anthony, 
”Please St Anthony come around. my eyeglasses are lost, and they must be found.” I’m always misplacing my glasses. In a short time, St Anthony helps me find them in a place I’ve never put them previously. Go figure.
After talking to myself for over an hour, I almost delayed starting one more day. I was going to put my pen down because I like my hand to feel the pen moving across the paper. Instead, I said out loud, “Ok God, I just can’t figure this out. Help me, please? You’ve put me on this path to write again even though I don’t know about this. Could You just give me a hint, ‘what do You want me to blog about this week?’ “
Then WHAM. An answer. I’m often kind of thick-skulled with seeing or hearing God’s winks to me, but this was crystal clear.
“Patricia! Tell others what I just put in your journey I planned before you were born.”
This. Is. It.
Living in a big house that I lived in with Marty for 21 years feels uncomfortable for me. I envy those widows who, after the loss, can stay in their home and enjoy it. I’ve become more lonely. I decided to move. You might think, “Ok, yes, some of us make that big decision.” It’s a huge decision.
Marty and I built 3 custom houses together. Actually, 4 if you consider a production house where we made a few changes. I don’t want to just move, and I want to build. The point is, I feel this building tug in my heart.
In a previous post, I said I feel, we can plan all we want, but we have no control over anything. Not. One. Thing.
What does God have to do with this?
Possibly you’ll chalk the following up to coincidence, or chance, or a twist of fate. In my mind, there are too many variables here, and it must be God’s sovereignty. He is always with us even if we don’t feel that way. But, I actually have dozens of these God winks as they’re called; since that year, I often want to just forget ever happened.
Here’s the short version of the most recent and supporting God wink ever. After living where I am for 21 years and been blessed to have 17 of them with Marty, I’m building again.
My realtor friend found the builder for me. Such quality work that a former client followed us down a street on a trip to a house we didn’t plan to see. The husband shook hands with Mark, exchanged some greetings, and then unprompted asked me, “Do you know you have the best builder in the area?” I chuckled and said, “thank you because I do now!”
We’re now in the written plan phase.
On my last visit, I finally get introduced to the building supervisor, who they tell me lived where I grew up.
This supervisor moved to my state 21 years ago.
This supervisor turns out is my second cousin! Being one who God often speaks loudly to, my cousin and I exchanged questions, each of us testing our immediate assumptions.
“Do you remember the house in the city that your grandparents, my grandparents lived in?”
“Remember it?” he asked with a smile. “We lived there after they died!”
The question bantering went on for a few minutes. Then, the builder and I got in his truck to go over to my lot, to walk the stakes in the ground. We also started talking about what trees would have to go and what could stay.
On returning, my cousin and I continued the exciting dialogue of our newfound connection. He was pretty excited since he told me, “I couldn’t wait to tell my sister!” And I was so excited I was almost going to conference call both of my sisters with him right there! I pray God will give me the time to make this happen soon.
Here’s what I know, this is a God thing:
I am still in the house my husband and I built 21 years ago.
As I begin the process of building my new home, I discover, a cousin of mine, moved to the area, 21 years ago.
I prayed, “God give me a sign of whether to move or stay.” His answer was as clear as a directional street sign – literally – move.
With that message, I decided to move and buy a new house. Without some amount of remodeling, I liked no place in my price range. Remodeling is not in my experience.
In February, my realtor friend introduced me to a builder, the builder I chose.
My decision to build on my own with a good team felt right.
I now have a family member with me on this massive project.
Some may chalk this up to coincidence, or chance, or a twist of fate. You certainly can do so as it’s your right and free will.
For me, I know it’s God telling me, “Patricia, I’m rolling up my sleeves for you again. My son Jesus is walking with you on this one. And all will be well.”
