Do you ever get so worked up about rebuilding life as a widow, a senior one at that, and you cannot hear yourself think? Am I the only one? When everything becomes so much mumbo jumbo in your head, you want to grab your dammit doll and split its seams wide open?
The Dammit Doll is still holding together.
Truth is, he’s my second one in four years. A close friend gifted it to me. If you’re reading this, thank you, my friend.
This morning I got to thinking more deeply, as I kept playing the same worries over again in my mind. The concerns were weaving themselves into a tapestry I do not want. It’s started slow enough, and then, of course as it sometimes does, my “stinkin’ thinkin,” as Zig Ziglar would call it, got to be a stench.
I hate being alone. Yep. Let the whining rip. Have that pity party which you haven’t had in some time.
Aren’t you insane to build a new house on your own?
What made me even decide to move in the first place?
And how is it I am blogging about this life as a widow?
Did I really hear you tell me to do this, God? I mean, you gave me all kinds of God winks along the way, I know. But really?
I don’t like dating! Why should I keep trying now?
After all, I am selling my house and decided to build a new one. Just like I’m making a new life from the ground up and inside and out.
On and on and on my mind did not want to stop.
How on earth do I stop the stampede of thoughts?
While I am thankful for the tapestry of my life so far, my mental robotic pictures playing got way too loud and, at the same time, out of focus for me.
The frustration of it all brought to my mind a quotation by Emmet Fox that God brought to my attention early on after my husband died:
“Stop thinking about the difficulty, whatever it is, and think about God instead. This is the complete rule.” —Emmet Fox
Well, the Dammit Doll loosened the tension. Excellent work, Dollie. Thank you.
Often these days, when the craziness fills my mind, I put on my recently discovered, soaking music. Just FYI, soaking music is written and played to help you feel the presence of God, and who is going to worry then?
But more than that, soaking music has become an easy way for me to meditate and get my busy mind quiet. My Apple Music playlist is now full of it. Heck it’s even on YouTube!
As I was about 30 minutes into “God, I’m supposed to be writing, and I can’t!”
“Really?” That is the answer I got back.
“Seriously, God! I’m so angry right now about a lot of things that I just want to scream. But I thought screaming is over now, almost 4 years later?”
“Really?” I heard it in my head again.
That got me thinking.
Really? Maybe you’re right, God. I am four years into figuring out how to rebuild my life as a senior in widowhood. After being married for 47 years. I suppose this might just take a bit longer.
It doesn’t matter how long this is all going to take. And actually, looking at it this way lets me know that You might be with me in a few more of these valley days walks.
Oh my.
Maybe another Dammit Doll is in my future! Or play the soaking music sooner.
Or maybe remind myself again of what Emmet Fox said:
Hi. Had no idea as to your loss. So sorry. Thank God you have a gift you can use in order to uplift others in your same situation, but who find themselves without an outlet. Praying that He will continue to guide you. Blessings.
Thank you Johnny. Yeah. It’s a difficult time in life. I make my way and take in all encouragement as I am able. My webmaster encouraged me from the get go. And I do thank God for giving me His God winks along the way. Blessings back to you.
Widow or widower, we share the same color….”Alone” tinted on any give day with anger, sorrow, empty or even a hearty laugh with friends. We ask why, a million times, we attend functions and feel like a third thumb. I develop inside rage when someone says, “she’s in a better place.” Well, maybe because God called her home no more suffering from Alzheimer’s, but I’m left behind. Selfish? Maybe? So we think and we plan and move on, a day at a time and I talk to God and pray for an answer. It usually comes, not early or late, but just on time. Each day starts and ends the same…with a prayer to thank God for another day and His guidance. We tend to think God may be allowing us to experience Moses’ journey through the desert, only to finally see the promised land. So, I remain positive for today with a gift of knowing.
Barry, have you ever heard a widow or widower say, “she’s in a better place?” It’s so rare for me. I’m sure it’s because it’s only those of us in this season who understand, and that thinking is not on our mental map. We absolutely know what the better place is.
Thank you Barry for clarifying, widow OR widower. And I like you, go day by day. I used to love planning months in advance when Marty was alive. It was part of the enjoyment. We were a great team. Now I like to experience what God has planned for me a day at a time. Joy comes easier through a day by day focus. And I do my best to keep my eye on the final prize. Yes – let’s remain positive a day at a time. That, we do have.
Being widow and thinking to rebuild life is very hard. We should appreciate those widows who rebuilt their life without any external assistance.
Matthew both widow and widower alike are amazingly strong individuals, don’t you think so?