Do you ever get so worked up about rebuilding life as a widow, a senior one at that, and you cannot hear yourself think? Am I the only one? When everything becomes so much mumbo jumbo in your head, you want to grab your dammit doll and split its seams wide open?
The Dammit Doll is still holding together.
Truth is, he’s my second one in four years. A close friend gifted it to me. If you’re reading this, thank you, my friend.
This morning I got to thinking more deeply, as I kept playing the same worries over again in my mind. The concerns were weaving themselves into a tapestry I do not want. It’s started slow enough, and then, of course as it sometimes does, my “stinkin’ thinkin,” as Zig Ziglar would call it, got to be a stench.
I hate being alone. Yep. Let the whining rip. Have that pity party which you haven’t had in some time.
Aren’t you insane to build a new house on your own?
What made me even decide to move in the first place?
And how is it I am blogging about this life as a widow?
Did I really hear you tell me to do this, God? I mean, you gave me all kinds of God winks along the way, I know. But really?
I don’t like dating! Why should I keep trying now?
After all, I am selling my house and decided to build a new one. Just like I’m making a new life from the ground up and inside and out.
On and on and on my mind did not want to stop.
How on earth do I stop the stampede of thoughts?
While I am thankful for the tapestry of my life so far, my mental robotic pictures playing got way too loud and, at the same time, out of focus for me.
The frustration of it all brought to my mind a quotation by Emmet Fox that God brought to my attention early on after my husband died:
“Stop thinking about the difficulty, whatever it is, and think about God instead. This is the complete rule.” —Emmet Fox
Well, the Dammit Doll loosened the tension. Excellent work, Dollie. Thank you.
Often these days, when the craziness fills my mind, I put on my recently discovered, soaking music. Just FYI, soaking music is written and played to help you feel the presence of God, and who is going to worry then?
But more than that, soaking music has become an easy way for me to meditate and get my busy mind quiet. My Apple Music playlist is now full of it. Heck it’s even on YouTube!
As I was about 30 minutes into “God, I’m supposed to be writing, and I can’t!”
“Really?” That is the answer I got back.
“Seriously, God! I’m so angry right now about a lot of things that I just want to scream. But I thought screaming is over now, almost 4 years later?”
“Really?” I heard it in my head again.
That got me thinking.
Really? Maybe you’re right, God. I am four years into figuring out how to rebuild my life as a senior in widowhood. After being married for 47 years. I suppose this might just take a bit longer.
It doesn’t matter how long this is all going to take. And actually, looking at it this way lets me know that You might be with me in a few more of these valley days walks.
Maybe another Dammit Doll is in my future! Or play the soaking music sooner.