On a recent BlogTalkRadio show I mentioned my work passion lies in my love for my soul mates, introverts. Until the host, Davette Harvey, commented on it, I hadn’t thought much about its meaning because uplifting and inspiring introverts every where is me, what I really enjoy doing. So why do I consider you, my introvert friend, my soul mate?
Richard Bach, American writer and author of ‘Jonathan Livingston Seagull’, says this about soul mates, “A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be.”
First observation: The first thing that jumps out for me is that locks have a particular form to them. Imagine putting the wrong key in a lock going to the front door of your home? You wouldn’t get in would you? The older I get the more I realize life is about being who we are and not pretending. In particular, as an introvert, if you get caught up in trying to be someone you are not, like someone more extroverted, it won’t “fit your lock.” You, are your own best key.
Second observation: Then there is the issue of feeling safe. The safety blanket for me is a feeling of comfort, belonging and familiarity. Knowing that someone knows a bit about what makes you tick can be an immediate sense of connectedness without saying anything. And often times as an introvert I haven’t felt compelled to speak up because the overriding feeling of safety in being understood. It’s like when you are with family, as dysfunctional as one might be. Because we commune with family regularly it has a feeling of safety no matter where a conversation might meander off. Whether it’s a family blanket or an introvert blanket, I love feeling safe.
Third observation: But most important in Bach’s statement is that our truest selves step out. I’m not quite sure that this ever ends. I have personal memories when I tried to blend in with extroverting events. Corporate wife event where there was a good deal of chit chat that didn’t make it to far on my scale of meaningful conversation. The truth is, I was afraid as hell to just be me. That would have meant thinking before I added to the conversation or even saying good-bye before the conversation was over. It was pretense. Not only did the other corporate wives wonder about this “strange woman” but my authenticity was stifled leading to nothing good.
It’s because of knowing the introvert so well from my soul that I consider an introvert to be my soul mate.
What about you? How to you think of the term soul mate?
Pat — what a beautiful post. Thank you. I’m an extrovert but don’t think we don’t have some of the same issues as introverts. It’s difficult to enter a room of strangers and start small talk, I can attest. I’m blessed with wonderful friends and several fit your description so well — locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. Just saying those words is a visceral experience. The operative word is “safe.” We need to feel safe in our personal and work worlds. When we feel safe all things are possible. And safe relationships are at the core of happiness.
Pat, as you well know, I’m a flaming extrovert. And as usual, I can relate to your comment from my very core. I consider you my soul mate in the way you’re sharing – because we are real with each other, because we honor each other’s uniquenesses rather than seeing our differences as one or the other of us is broken or wrong. It’s the safety and authenticity things… Even though I’m an extrovert, I have a hard time with ‘small talk,’ too. As I don’t watch, listen to or read the news, I don’t watch TV, and work from home, I don’t always know what people are talking about. Being willing to quietly listen or to share that truth about myself are stretches I’m practicing with increased comfort, ease, and grace. Thanks for the opportunity and encouragement to be myself. Back at ya!
The Energizer Bonnie
Aww Bonnie. You know I admire you and your work. You are a true extrovert for sure, and what I like best, is you are true to yourself. Somehow, and maybe it’s the allowing of feeling safe with one another. We’ve done that. That allows you to be who you are which I totally enjoy, respect and love.
Thank you for being in my safety quilt of relationships.
Interesting. Good food for thought.
Bonnie, I watch very little News on TV or anywhere else… keeps me from focusing on what went wrong.
Jim
Q. How many pawns does it take to change a light bulb? A. One, but it takes all knight.
Pat, I’m honored to be in yours and glad you’re in mine. And here’s another gem in my world… and I’m guessing yours… Jim…
Jim, what do you consider yourself on this continuum of introvert-extrovert? You certainly are personable and a great communicator. Your job requires that you be good with people. And that doesn’t mean your an extrovert!
I think people assume that because / if you’re good with people and can mingle and stand in front of a group that you must be an extrovert.
Pat, I think you’ll agree, an introvert can do anything an introvert can do – they may just need to recover from expending energy where an extrovert would have gotten energy.
And introverts can do with ease that which is an effort for me – like sitting quietly in front of my computer letting my fingers do the talking.
Your thoughts and comments?
Bonnie, Jim, I love you both. It’s no coincidence we are in each others sphere. More specifically to your comments Bonnie, my guess is if introverts can learn those extroverting skills (like face to face networking for example) then extrovert can learn the introvert skills (like being in front of your computer while your fingers talk for you!) I love how you said that.
Jeannette, first thank you for that compliment. Safe indeed. That is what makes as you say all things possible. Without a net, we might not expand ourselves even try new things.
Thanks.
I’ve been practicing this sitting still and working thing and getting pretty good – been working for hours now, making phone calls, doing emails, and work for clients.
There, I’ve done it. I’ve been good!
Now can I go to the bank and make a deposit, then go over to Speed’s to work with them? I’ve been alone for a few hours and am ready for interaction 🙂
Bonnie,
Your question: what do you consider yourself on this continuum of introvert-extrovert?
Answer: 100% on the introvert side. Of the many “tests” I have taken over the years, I rarely even budge off that side of the scale. 9 or 10 or 10 of 10 questions are normally answered introvert.
Parties: you normally find me chatting 1-1 or a small group off to the side.
I have no problem spending long periods alone. I prefer small groups.
I am croud-sourcing the answers to the following irrelevant questions:
Q. How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Q. How many extroverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Jim
Q. How many pawns does it take to change a light bulb? A. One, but it has to queen first
Actually, Jim, while I thought you might be an introvert, I wouldn’t have guessed you’re so far out on the scale. Just goes to show the world — we can all be friends, work well together and do whatever we want or needs to be done. Just some things take more focus and energy and commitment for one group while other things are a piece of cake for them, and visa versa for the other group… Either way, it’s about learning to love and accept yourself and play to your strengths, gifts, talents, passions, etc. That’s what brings us together – one of the things anyway – that we’re so alive and real and willing to be ourselves with each other. Yay us!