If you’re an introvert you may be accused of being aloof or seeming disinterested. Years ago this would happen to me and I believed it. All I could do, without the understanding I have now, is apologize. Today, I would be able to take the accusation and explain it.
There’s a dictionary definition of aloof that includes an example of using the word which says it all: “Because of his shyness, [or you can put introvertedness here] he had the reputation of being aloof.” Most introverts think things through – more often and for a longer period of time. This aloof label is an evaluation that people make because of the outward appearance of something happening that really is different. Marti Laney, in The Introvert Advantage, says it best:
- “Introverts are thoughtful, imaginative, tend to work independently and think outside the box. Introverts are keen observers and sensitive listeners. Introverts prefer to be involved intimately with one person and are often drawn to life’s spiritual side. Introverts are not antisocial, shy, or aloof.”
People see the contemplation and quietness for what it is only on the outside and so, they call us aloof. The truth is, as introverts, when we appear aloof, inside us is that quiet or contemplative state.
The video message here …
will be particularly of interest if you are an introvert, seeking a job. How do you allow yourself to be you, but also appear more friendly?
Pat, your wisdom about introverts is right on. I always benefit from reading your blogs for a few reasons:
I’m an extrovert, and so can forget that not everyone’s like me. When I’m in conversation with someone, especially when I’m excited about the topic, I tend to talk louder and faster. I need to remember that without intending to do so, I can break rapport with more shy and introverted people.
I can also easily forget that they may take longer to reply and their response may come slower paced. Remembering this is a difference in personality and style, not an indication in interest or level of passion, is important.
And to you who are more introverted than me, please remember, I’m prone to sudden bursts of enthusiasm. This doesn’t mean that I want to dominate the conversation, that I don’t care about what you have to say, or that I’m egocentric. I just plain get excited.
So bottom line, we need to check in with people and ask what’s going on rather than mind-read and project our imaginings. That’s the best way to avoid misunderstanding and hurt feelings.
The Energizer Bonnie
There is a built in bias and that is many time because we cannot see what is going on inside another’s head. We all jump to conclusions too soon and fill in gaps.
Pat you make a good point that taking time to reflect before answering in not aloof.
Jim
Even if it’s taking me a minute to process what someone is saying and formulate how I want to respond, I try to keep an open, friendly look on my face and maintain appropriate eye contact. I can manage very well if I’m just talking to one extrovert. Now if I’m in a group with two or more, I may not get a word in edgewise, but I hope they realize that the reason for that is NOT my being aloof! 🙂
Bonnie, you are always so helpful with bringing in the extrovert wisdom: “check in with people and ask what’s going on rather than mind-read and project our imaginings. That’s the best way to avoid misunderstanding and hurt feelings.”
Jim, the bias has become a meme or myth and too MANY people jump to conclusions about the outward perception.
IntrovertZone, that is a great reminder: “keep an open, friendly look on my face and maintain appropriate eye contact.” And guess WHO can maintain better eye contact naturally? 🙂
Pat,
Bless you for addressing all these introvert myths. When I tell people that I coach introverts, I often get comments that imply that introverts “need to change who they are” which as you know is not only impossible, it’s unnecessary. I then have to go into education mode. So we introverts need all the help we can get busting these myths!
As for appearing aloof; here is what I do: when listening (which is what I prefer to do anyway) I make sure my body language shows I am listening and interested. Just little things like nodding my head occasionally. I am also a big fan of explaining what I am doing, such as “I’m listening, please tell me more” or my favorite phrase “let me think about that and get back to you.” Verbalizing what is going on with me is usually all I need to avoid any misunderstandings.
InTandem, it seemed like the right time. Two things I’m passionate about are busting these introvert myths and busting the way people network – or NOT!
Thanks so much for adding your way of dealing with the aloof myth – almost a meme isn’t it? I mean all the myths have perpetuated that now even some introverts believe them.