When this introvert hears romance, my preference leans towards small, quieter gestures. My husband and I often surprise each other with a hide and go seek game. In using a favorite toy of ours, – no, don’t let your mind go there my friend – one of my speaking and training props, often accompanied with a little love note.
But, I’m married to an extrovert who more often surprises me with romantic gestures that can annoy me. My dislike is likely because I hate most surprises.
In honor of #RomanceAwarenessMonth here is:
Romance Awareness month: are you making these blunders with your #introvert love
Size up your surprises
In our first year of marriage, my husband surprised me with a dog. Now I love, love, love dogs. Except, I prefer to have time to think about things like our lifestyle, my allergies, our mutual interests before deciding on such a commitment as a dog. As you might imagine, the gift didn’t go well. Now all these years later, I still feel bad. How I wish it were possible just to go with the kind gesture. But planning things out is more me.
Fast-forward now a couple of decades for a pleasantly remembered surprise. If you know me, or my blog, I hate dropping clues about my age, so times references are always specifically vague. My husband, Marty and I were celebrating a major anniversary with a cruise – yes, we planned it together.
What I didn’t know is he had a surprise during the cruise for me: a special side trip where he asked me to marry him again, for another couple of decades. He orchestrated a renewal of vows ceremony through his Rotary friends. And this was across the Atlantic Ocean in Turkey. Still touches my heart thinking about it.
A key to the more introverted heart: Allow for just a small amount of planning in the surprise with your introvert love. This consideration will go a long way for a most welcome surprise. And, for the extrovert love, plan a true surprise. You can leave them out of the planning and use your listening skills to know what they like, to go more with their spontaneity!
Dinner date from heaven or hell
Can you go wrong with a romantic dinner?
For me, and for your curiosity I’m an INTJ by Myers-Briggs Type Indicator®, a dinner date is more about an intimate setting, at a quieter place and if possible at a less busy time.
I’m an introvert, but that doesn’t mean I’m a hermit, and most introverts aren’t. But if you’re romancing us introverted women with dinner, we want to be able to have a real conversation with you, one-to-one.
Better not to suggest a happy hour before, the most popular spot in town or a place where “everybody knows your name.” Lots of people and lots of noise creates an energy-zapping environment and doesn’t pair well with introvert romance.
Quite regularly where we live, a relatively small town, there is someone my husband knows. Over time we’ve learned we get along better when he goes over to have a few minutes to chitchat with them. He satisfies his extrovert needs in this way.
Another key to the more introvert heart: Experimenting is like research for introverts. When thinking romance dinner, because the environment is a key factor for consideration, consider the likability facto for the introvert. And for our extrovert love, we introverts must be flexible on occasion and even be so bold as to suggest to head to the most frequented happy hour or dinner venue that we know our partner loves.
Hi Patricia
Landing on your site for the first time. I love the positive vibe here.
I must say, you have a lovely and caring husband. You both look cute together. I really love the way he asked you for the second time marriage proposal. All these small acts create a long lasting impact on our mind, isn’t?
I am not married. But, I feel love comes naturally. When there is pure love, we can’t sketch the difference between our extrovert and introvert nature.
Thanks for sharing lovely moments of your life. Lots of love.
Thanks for visiting Yatin. And for the compliment about the vibes. Yep, I’m going for positive ones!
Love – the feeling that I believe know NO personality preference.
Love the pictures of you two together! I have to say that surprises were a problem in my past marriage. Yes, my extroverted ex, loved to give them, and I came to really abhor them. So I think it’s lovely that you have sort of worked out a way that both parties can achieve a harmonious result without either being miffed!
Still learning after all these years Jacqueline. I doubt I will ever enjoy surprises without some hints.
Good examples of a successful marriage, Patricia. Reading what you write I doubt I have ever had a relationship with an introvert man, If I have he sure managed to hide it:-)
Maybe we are on our best behavior, trying to do what we think others like, when we are in a relationship we want to nurture? That means we don’t come to see the real being. Or the whole being. Some of us have learned that we can do that, to a point. Thanks Catarina.
How sweet of your husband to surprise you in this way!
It is so important to keep the romance alive in your marriage especially when there are many distractions.
A special song played at dinner always goes down well – one that brings memories for you both, for example your first dance.
Nice photographs.
I’m always learning how to “dance” in life Phoenicia. Music helps with that too! Thanks.
Great photos Patricia and how wonderful that your husband was so thoughtful to arrange to renew your vows! My ex-husband was a charmer, everybody loved his sense of humor and, yes, he was an Extrovert. He also loved surprises a LOT – although his surprises were things like buying a 16′ Catamaran, then there was the new truck, oh and the time he bought a half acre of prime land while I was on a business trip out of the country, and of course the really BIG surprise was siphoning the money out of our saves to buy drugs.
Marquita, I can say I totally relate: him buying a first replica of Captain America Harley, from the movie Easy Rider – my hint was a box of related accessories including a leather jacket; but never (that I’ve ever discovered!) using money for things like drugs. That’s a heart breaker for sure.
My husband is an introvert and I am an extrovert. My husband surprised me with a cooking class at a nearby kitchen store. It was really fun and he had a great time too. Thanks for sharing. These are great tips for anyone in a relationship.
Sabrina romance is romance isn’t it?
Before reading this, I hadn’t considered how different the concept of romantic gestures might be for extroverts and introverts and how a couple might deal with that when one was an introvert and the other an extrovert. For me the essence of romance is being in tune with your partner and doing things (big, small, planned or surprised) that please them. It sounds as if you and your husband have mastered it.
Romance is really little different than other areas in life where personality preferences might cause differences. Have you heard of the Five Languages of Love Donna? Now that is an eye opener about love!
I love the pictures of you and your husband. You too look like a very cute couple. I think introverts and extroverts are a good match in romance. I feel like most of us do best when we have someone who helps us create balance. My husband is my opposite in so many ways as far as temperament goes, and I believe that is what makes it work.
Balance in my case is what has helped me to move out of my comfort zone in so many ways. I totally agree Erica – it makes things work!
Who knew there was such a thing as romance awareness month? I didn’t. Neither does my wife. Otherwise, there would be any number of “blunders” brought to my attention.
One whole month Ken! And we’re less than a week into Romance Awareness month. hahaha
I love those small gestures. When the lilacs first came out in flower, my husband brought me a bouquet of them or he’ll pick up a box of chocolates for me – little things that mean a lot. Course, I do the same thing or no doubt, he would stop. But it is relatively easy for us since we are both introverts.
I love the first picture of you two – the smile on your face says it all.
Aaah, romance blooms eternal – for all personalities Lenie!
Hi Patricia,
I really love the insights and perspective!
My wife is an introvert but she loves spontaneity but that is where the difference ends. In 22 years of marriage it took me almost 20 years to learn that when we are out together enjoying our company she doesn’t want to feel like a third wheel when others who know me come along and start talking with me.
I’ve learned to acknowledge them quickly and respectfully share that I’m enjoying time with my wife and that she gets my attention. I have to tell you that did wonders for our relationship. We’ve always had an incredible marriage but that just put the icing on the cake.
I wish I had learned that sooner as an introvert.
But, you learn and grow together and make sacrifices for one another. It’s a give and take and she has done a wonderful job of learning me and how to navigate to get what she needs and wants and I’m too obliged to not give it.
It’s a great win-win.
Have an awesome week Patricia and thanks so much for such an enlightening article!
~ Don Purdum
Third wheel – appropriate term Don. And you are a wise husband in the give and take of things.
Awww, I what a wonderful story and example of true understanding and connection. sometimes we doing things for people that we think are so special, and although the person appreciates the gesture, what we did isn’t something they think is that hot. I have a friend who bought his wife a fishing pose for her birthday because he thought it be so romantic to rent a cabin and fish together. When he told me his plans I said, ” Do you even KNOW the woman you married”? His wife would have thought the idea of getting away together was wonderful, but her idea of fishing is digging through the sales rack at Nordstroms. It’s so important to be aware of what truly touches your partners heart.
That’s a funny not-romance story Pamela! So you bring in an interesting element of the difference between the sexes. Another layer in addition to personality differences!